Death

{Death; written on May 11, 2015}

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always had a feeling that I would die soon. I don’t know when I started having that feeling, but I was young when I started feeling that; and it’s strange that I started feeling that when I was young because when I was young, I was afraid of death too.

Maybe I started thinking of death a lot because my mother was sick so much in the Philippines, that I was afraid she was going to die. I’m not sure, but for a long time, ever since I was young, I’ve always thought of death.

And maybe it’s good thing that I’ve always had and always have this feeling that I would die soon because it made me think of the question, “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to be doing what I’m doing now?”

Would I? Would I want to worry the whole time? Would I want to be afraid of one man, when I shouldn’t and why should I since God is with me? Would I want to be thinking thoughts of cutting down my arms? Would I want to lose my temper when I don’t have too?

Would I?

It scared me that I wouldn’t be here, but I think what scared me even more, was when I realized that people weren’t going to be here forever. Yet now, I know and understand somehow it’s part of life and there’s a reason. God does things bigger than we know, bigger than I know.

So, I won’t be here forever, but that knowledge of knowing that I won’t be here forever, makes me thankful for the life I’ve had and I have; makes me thankful for the family and friends God has given and will give to me. Makes me not take each breath for granted, makes me think do I want to do this, and makes me hope and try to do the best I can.

Because as someone said, I have only one shot at this. I have only one life, and I can’t keep doing this – I can’t keep having these thoughts that aren’t mine like vaguely thinking of suicide or having these urges to cut straight down my arm; thoughts that want me to be depressed, stressed, not happy.

Depressed, stressed, mad, hurting, disappointed, afraid, sad. It’s okay to feel all of these as long as it’s safe and there’s hope, just as someone said in my church that it’s okay to grieve, just as long as it’s safe and you have hope.

There’s much more, much more than depression, sadness, anger, hurt, disappointment, fear, and all that. There’s light.

And sometimes, as much as I want to just kill myself, I’m not here to kill myself. I’m here for more.

I only have one life.

And that’s my life.

There’s This Girl I Know (a combination of two character sketches)

I remembered I wrote one or two character sketches, though I couldn’t remember when I wrote it. I found them today in my old bag, and I saw that I had written two character sketches about a real person and conflict. I was inspired to write a character sketch or sketches about a real person and conflict when I read one of Cynthia Voigt’s books, ‘Dicey’s Song.’ 

I read them today, and I smiled. I almost always smile when I read something that I wrote a while back. And I decided to combine two of the character sketches that I wrote, together and add onto it a little bit,  and share with it y’all.

I hope y’all enjoy it, and I hope and pray that you all have a wonderful day today. (:

~ ~ ~

{There’s This Girl I Know} Written on May 21, 2014 and March 10, 2015.

There’s this girl I know. She and I are starting to be best friends now. Her last name is Parrilla. Her parents are divorced. Her father left, or that was what it seemed like to her. She told me, she didn’t know. She was just a little girl back then, but that’s what it seemed like to her: that her father left her and her family.

She told me she didn’t know why her father left. All she knew was that he was gone. That he had walked out of her life and her family’s lives, disappearing. That he did not stop to tell them goodbye, only to just wave and walk away to who knows where.

She told me when she was young, she thought something, perhaps a monster had stolen her father. She really did not know, she told me again, pain and confusion on her face. “Either I really don’t know, or I just can’t remember,” was her words to me.

Mind you, it took a long time for my friend, the girl I know, to trust me enough to tell me because she was ascared. I don’t know when this happened, but one day when we were together, she told me something that she used to do almost every night when she was a little girl.

She was afraid whatever had stolen her father would happen to her mother too, and she didn’t want the same thing to happen to her mother.

Almost every night at midnight or after midnight, she would get up and check to see if her mother there. To see if her mother was still alive She would panic if she couldn’t hear her mother breathing. She would get as close as she could to her mother, trying not to wake her up while trying to hear her mother breathe; and when she heard her mother breathe, she would go back to bed a little reassured and a little relieved, but she was still scared and she would still fight sleep just to hear her mother breathing.

She told me of her fears and when she told me of her fears, I saw that she was frightened so much. Very frightened.

She was afraid of her emotions. She didn’t want her emotions and she didn’t want to know her emotions. She panicked when her emotions started rising up . She pushed them down, as far down as she could and she thought that helped if only a little bit. “I was wrong in thinking that pushing down and pushing away my emotions helped,” she said to me with a distant look on her face; telling me her words and thinking about what she said at the same time.

Because when she pushed down or pushed away her emotions, they built up little by little whenever she did that. She tried not to leave evidence or tried to leave very little evidence of what she was keeping inside her. She needed a container for her emotions, but she couldn’t find one. So, she tried to become the container herself, but her emotions would seep out. Trickle out.

She was frightened of so many things, and she was also worried about so many thing then. Fear and worry were one of her constant companions back then. She was worried about money because it sometimes seemed like they didn’t have enough and she worried about food being in their stomachs. She worried about her mother and brother. She worried about their health and her health. It seemed like she was frightened and worried about almost, everything.

She didn’t know to be a child because she had grown up when her father left, but she was still was still a little girl on that day she grew up. She just didn’t how to play, and when her family became broken and her father left that was the final straw. She hid from the world.

Years passed by, and the little grew and grew, but she didn’t outgrow her fears and worries. She was still frightened, she was still worried. She was frightened of death and darkness and sickness for they seemed like the same to her because she was worried that her mother was dying because she was sick so many times. She frightened and worried when ever she became sick because she didn’t want to be sick. All she wanted to do was to look after and care for her family.

She was frightened of love because from what she had seen, love had only just her and her family; and she was frightened when people besides her family loved her because she didn’t know if they were going to leave her or hurt her. She didn’t want to get hurt again. She was also fearful of promises from people she knew or didn’t know and from people she loved and whom loved her because she didn’t know if they were really going to keep their promises that they made. They could be filled with lies and wind, and she didn’t want that.

She didn’t want pain and disappointment, again. Yet she hoped that they would keep their promises, even though she tried not to hope.

“I made myself a prison from fear and worry and pain because I thought I would be safe. How wrong I was. It took a long time to take down the walls of thorns I built, even though they weren’t strong.”

“Besides being afraid of those, I was also afraid of myself. I was afraid of myself because I knew I could hurt someone, and I was also frightened of myself because I once almost killed my brother in an accident. I was afraid of what I could do. I was scared of the power I had, and I didn’t want to use it.”

“Yet,” she said. Yet she sometimes used what she knew she had even if she was frightened of it, she revealed to me.

But my friends, my friend is starting to come out of hiding. She’s showing herself to the world without her mask on her face. She’s starting to heal and become whole. She’s starting to get back her voice that she tried to silence and lose. The spark, the flame that she tried to douse is starting to light up.

She finally gave her life to someone she knew she could give it too.

“I gave my life to Jesus, and even though I gave my life to him in anger and pain and sadness and confusion, he turned my whole life around.”

I knew that giving my life to him is something that I won’t ever take back, even though I knew it was going to be hard. He was there when no-one was there, and He’s still with me. 

I found and I find healing in Him, when someone hurts me or disappoints me. I found myself and I find myself in Him and in the Father, I thought I never had.”

The last time I saw her, she was finding pieces of herself, rejoicing. In joy. She also found her smile, her laughter. Her laughter isn’t forced, and her smiles isn’t broken. Behind her smile, there’s a story.

She was shining when I saw her recently. She’s still shining, and she’ll shine now because she knows that everything’s alright. She’s with her Lover, Jesus. She’s with her Teacher, the Holy Spirit. She’s with her Father, Abba.

“I’m okay,” she realized. She’s alright. She’s safe. She’s becoming the person, she’s meant to be; she’s finding her identity and her calling. “I’m okay, I’m okay,” she told me and herself.

My friend’s full name is Nichia, Nichia Lychole Soleille Parrilla. That’s her secret full name anyways, haha. The girl I know is me.

The End 

{Inner Turmoil: poem}

It’s like

there’s

an inner turmoil

because half

of your sky

is blue

and half of

your sky

is gray

in your world.

. . .

Your cold tears

fall down

thickly

and soak

into my skin,

making my eyesight

blurred

as I stand

in your arms.

. . .

The sound

of a wailing train

joins

with the sound

of the wind

as it rushes

and sweeps

with the storm

brewing

inside you,

in your heart.

~ ~ ~

As I stand outside, calling for my cat, I noticed white tiny specks flurrying all around me. Haha, foolishly as I am often foolish, I thought mayhaps it was coming off from the trees for some reason or that it was white dandruff. Oh, the foolishness of me, not the cleverness of me, haha.

I finally realized it was snow when it melted into my skin. As it snowed for a little bit, I sat outside as I watched over my cat. Closing my eyes and letting the snow melt onto me and listening to the sound of the train near my home, thinking I’ll miss my home when I have to move this summer.

There’s a beauty and peace and joy in my heart as I write this. My jacket that had snowflakes clinging to its surface, now warming up and melting the coldness I had brought in from outside into the warmth of my home.

[Frozen Trees]

[The Frozen Trees]

You turned pale with delight
last night,
as you stood
in yesterday’s frozen rain.
You gathered the ice in your arms
as you shivered
and woke up today this morn.
The tips of your fingers
were white
and your lips never turned blue
from the cold
as you drop glazed-looking,
small showers
on the top of my head
with your voice rich with laughter
as you frolicked
and ran your fingers
through everything you touched
with wonder
because you’re standing
in a winter wonderland;
you’re the frozen trees
all around my house.

He is Known

As a child, I grew up in a Christian home. My mother told me stories from the Bible and told me about God and satan, but I wasn’t Christian when I was young. I was mad at Him, I thought he hadn’t been there for me and for my family. I thought he had abandoned me like I felt that my earthly father and biological father and birth mother. I thought he had abandoned us. I thought God wasn’t there.

And this is where the fear of abandonment came from because I felt that my earthly father and biological father and birth mother had abandoned me, had left me and I felt like I had done something wrong. Something incredibly wrong, when I hadn’t. And now – now that fear is being broken and healed by Dada.

But when I surrendered my life to Jesus in anger and confusion and tiredness in the year of 2012, I’ve seen now that God has always been there for me, there for my family. He was there when my mother was almost fired four times, but she still had her job because He knew – He knew that we needed the money for food, for tickets and for rent. He was there when she was sick so many times that I thought she was dying.

I see now that He was there for me when I wasn’t there for Him. He was there for me when I only came running back to him for comfort when I was scared or worried. He was there even though I screamed, I yelled at him, mad at him. He was there even when I blamed him, when I was impatient with him and tried to do everything on my own, thinking I had everything under control. He was there even when I thought I didn’t need His help or anyone’s help because I thought I didn’t need someone’s help, that I had to do it on my own as best as I could, that I didn’t help, much less help from Someone – Someone who I couldn’t see. He was there even though I hurt Him so much. He was there to hold me and catch and collect my tears, he was there for me when I dared Him to prove himself to me that he’s real and that he’s there.

He didn’t prove himself to me. No, because He, He made Himself known to me. He never has to prove Himself. Not to me or you or anyone. He makes Himself known when now thinking about it, He doesn’t have too because He – He. Is. Already. Known. He is known in Truth.

I see now that He is real, that He is there. That He has always been there for me and He always is. He’s always there. Always there, always here. He didn’t need to know where I was because He already knew where I was, and He doesn’t need to know where I am now because He knows where I am now. He made Himself known to me and He still make Himself known to me. He doesn’t prove that He is real because He is real. He is real. 

My fears, my worries are being broken and healed by Him. Like He has said in His Word to us and continually says to us, our tears of mourning are to be turned into dancing and our sorrow into joy. My tears will not be tears of sorrow and fear but instead, tears of joy. Tears of Joy. Dancing. Sorrow into joy. Mourning into dancing. 

It isn’t easy following God, following Jesus and following the Holy Spirit, but I don’t think it never was meant to be easy. It isn’t meant to be easy, but it’s more simple than we think and less complicated than we think. And I know that I, Nichia Karstedt, the girl who’s starting to become whole in God and healed by God and is growing and going deeper into God, will never regret the decision to say yes. To say yes to the Invitation that God gives to me everyday. Every hour. Every minute. And every second. 

There is no backing out. I will never regret finally surrendering to the One who has always loved me and who has always `cared for me and taken care of. I will never regret my decision to live my life for Him. I will never regret finally saying, “Yes” to Him, and I will never regret saying back to Him “I love You too, Daddy. I love you too, Jesus. I love you too, Holy Spirit.”

In His

the strength of winter

shown through bare trees

as they stretch high

and stand tall

against night’s

velvet dim skies

as they hold the stars

in their arms,

cradling them

like a mother

would cradle a baby.

~

whispers from winds’ praises

as the sounds of heaven

ride on the winds

and peace steals

inside my heart

as the light from the moon

shines greatly like it cannot

hide the glory of God anymore;

I, captivated in awe and fear

by His grace and power and presence

like the night is captivated

by moonlight’s streaks existence.

~

shadows dance, not afraid

to show the beauty

and playfulness of God’s

because like the angels in heaven

dance in jubilation,

they too dance

because joy comes

in the morning

and morning is coming soon

as weeping and darkness fades,

little by little;

because the Almighty is coming,

I AM is coming

and we are in His Shadow.

~

all stars shining His Light

the moon showing His glory,

the way night is fascinated

by each ray it finds,

the way how winter is strong,

how the refreshing air awakens something

somewhere deep in us,

the way light is always eager

to receive more,

nourishing itself on nothing

but Truth;

we live in His Creation,

in His Beauty,

in His Shadow

in His Breath.

radiant skies

I wrote this poem two days ago. Haha, I stayed up late to 2 or 3 am working on the poem. I wrote this poem after my friend and I finished stargazing as I was getting ready for bed. We saw nebulae and red stars and a rainbow star that shined bright with rainbow rays and white paths of light and a clouds of stars as the stars and white oaths of light shifted too.

Haha, I saw 9 or 10 shooting stars and my friend saw 17 shooting stars. All in all, it was a night that I wasn’t going to forget because I was blessed. Again.

~ ~ ~

you shine bright

when it is dark;

brighter than the city lights

that try to compete with you;

your light either being

a red light

like fire trapped within

or rainbow rays

shining with invisible rain

or just a light

following darkness.

you leave a trail,

a trail of star dust,

fairy dust, your dust;

as you nebulae

and dwarf planets

and suns and galaxies

gather together

and make shadows

dance across night

and leave

white paths of light

and bring clouds of stars.

as shooting stars

grant you wishes,

whispering you warnings

to keep your wishes secrets

or faeries

might steal it;

while they, those tumbling

liquid diamonds

fall for us

from their radiant skies.

The Joy of the Lord Is my Strength

“Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth. Worship the Lord with gladness; come before him with joyful songs. Know that the Lord is God. It is he who made us, and and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture. Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.” Psalm 100:1-5

“Nehemiah said, “Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” Nehemiah 8:10

~ ~ ~

I feel like jumping up and down for there’s this joy inside me. And the joy that I’m not sure how to explain is not the only thing in me, there’s this awe and holy fear and many other things that the only way I can explain and that makes sense to me is that what is in me is clenching my heart. Would it make sense, if I said and believed that God is clenching me in His loving grip?

I feel love and holy fear and awe and joy and peace  and a tinge of sadness moving in me, and I don’t want God to ever let go of his hold on me; and I don’t think he ever will. For I am his child. I am his adopted child that he loves and cares for despite the many mistakes I’ve made and the holes and ruts that I’ve fallen in and fall in.

Some days, I’ll think of myself and tell God, “Just let me go. I can’t do anything. Look at me. I’ve fallen in holes and ruts and sometimes still do and I make mistakes.” Though, I tell that to God, how many times I don’t know, he doesn’t listen to me and he still loves me and forgives me and does so much more. And though, I sometimes say and think that, I think deep down I don’t want him to do that. No, not think. Know.

I know that I don’t ever want him to let go of his grip on me for nothing can ever separate me from and his love. And today, I feel like laughing out-loud. I feel like running outside barefooted, racing winter. I feel like doing cart-wheels or tumblings as I used to call them in the Philippines and seeing if I can do twenty tumblings.

I feel His peace and holiness and love and joy and a holy fear and awe for him and a thankfulness to him; and just so much more. The joy of the Lord is my strength.

I hope and pray that all of you have a wonderful day and so on in God’s name! 🙂

An Adventure with God

I want my head resting on Your Word, my mind in your Kingdom and my heart in you, Daddy.

I was suddenly standing next to a tree with one hand on it, and I was with the angels. I could see the angels yet I couldn’t see them at the same time. Then I saw God and I happily ran to him and we hugged.

He set me down, and he held my hand and we walked to a place and watched the sun set. As we watched the sun set, I was snuggled next to God and he was telling me something, which I still have to think about to understand. After he finished telling me, he suddenly picked me and I was on his back and he started running.

And then he turned into a lion and I was on his back, hugging his neck when we suddenly tumbled down and rolled down the hill. I realized we were playing, and when I realized that he started running in the meadows and I ran with him. Not tiring and having strength and filled with laughter.

Then we came to an ocean and when I turned around to look for him, he was right next to me but he wasn’t a lion anymore. And we both faced the ocean that looked like glass and that was moving yet not moving, and I held his hand as we walked on the ocean. We walked on the ocean and I was still holding his hand, when all of the sudden the ocean flipped – the ocean flipped and then I was in the sky. Flying.

I was in the sky flying and the sun had already set. I was in the clouds and it seemed like when the sun had set, gold had melted and the clouds had soaked it while I was flying. I was flying, when I paused a little; I was still flying, but I was moving slowly and I closed my eyes. I closed my eyes and I felt God near by me and I felt something lightly raining down on my face. It felt like liquid gold, but it was lighter than rain.

And I opened my eyes and when I opened my eyes, my eyes were filled with stars. I was blinded for a little bit because all I saw were so many stars that it seemed like I was a star with the other stars, my comrades. Then my vision came back and I looked around and I was in the universe and all I saw were stars. Stars, stars, stars. I heard a whispering when suddenly the stars started moving. I saw a bright light coming near, and the stars started moving fast but not so fast that it made me dizzy. The stars moved faster and then they started falling down, as the light came nearer. I heard songs of tongues being sung and I heard voices saying, “He is God. He is King. He is the Maker. He is the Creator.” The voices were praising Him.

As the stars worshiped and fell down and the voices sang, I was on the ground though there seemed to be no ground. Because I felt His power. His Majesty. And as the stars moved and worshiped around me, the light came nearer and nearer to me as the stars moved faster and faster and I was filled with love and fear and awe.

The stars kept moving at a fast speed and the light came only closer and closer, when I crashed. I crashed into the light and then I was enveloped in the light. I was inside God and I feasted my eyes on Him and all I saw was His light.

Then I fell down in darkness, when I jerked and I looked down and I saw the world covered in grey. I saw the world hurting, drabbed in gray; but even though the world was in grey, there was still light shining among the gray. There was still light.

And then, I was in His arms and he hugged me.  And I kept saying, “Daddy, daddy,” as he held me in his hug.

(Another Untitled Poem)

Haha, I’m an old-fashion soul. But ’tis fine, haha. I wrote this, thinking about the, ‘The Anne of Green Gables Novels.’ I’m on the #4 novel, haha; also, I’m rereading all of them, all over again. I’m still thinking of a name for it.

I drink in
the red maple trees,
as the wind sweeps
by them
and sings of sweet, mysterious songs;
as it looks like
the maples are worshiping God.

I listen to the streams
and brooks,
gurgle with laughter;
filled with fresh, madness
and ever-lasting mirth,
that makes my heart sing,
as I breathe in
these velvety, satin airs.

I like to stare
at the sky

as it turns dark,
as it looks like
night is a bowl
filled with stars;
as they smile with me
with joy,
as my breath
suddenly appears,
in this cold, refreshing air.

To me, it seems to be,
that when I hear
the stars twinkle
gently, against
each other –
its the angels’ song
of the universe,

praising the Craftsman.