Dullness starts to settle in,
As a child, I grew up in a Christian home. My mother told me stories from the Bible and told me about God and satan, but I wasn’t Christian when I was young. I was mad at Him, I thought he hadn’t been there for me and for my family. I thought he had abandoned me like I felt that my earthly father and biological father and birth mother. I thought he had abandoned us. I thought God wasn’t there.
And this is where the fear of abandonment came from because I felt that my earthly father and biological father and birth mother had abandoned me, had left me and I felt like I had done something wrong. Something incredibly wrong, when I hadn’t. And now – now that fear is being broken and healed by Dada.
But when I surrendered my life to Jesus in anger and confusion and tiredness in the year of 2012, I’ve seen now that God has always been there for me, there for my family. He was there when my mother was almost fired four times, but she still had her job because He knew – He knew that we needed the money for food, for tickets and for rent. He was there when she was sick so many times that I thought she was dying.
I see now that He was there for me when I wasn’t there for Him. He was there for me when I only came running back to him for comfort when I was scared or worried. He was there even though I screamed, I yelled at him, mad at him. He was there even when I blamed him, when I was impatient with him and tried to do everything on my own, thinking I had everything under control. He was there even when I thought I didn’t need His help or anyone’s help because I thought I didn’t need someone’s help, that I had to do it on my own as best as I could, that I didn’t help, much less help from Someone – Someone who I couldn’t see. He was there even though I hurt Him so much. He was there to hold me and catch and collect my tears, he was there for me when I dared Him to prove himself to me that he’s real and that he’s there.
He didn’t prove himself to me. No, because He, He made Himself known to me. He never has to prove Himself. Not to me or you or anyone. He makes Himself known when now thinking about it, He doesn’t have too because He – He. Is. Already. Known. He is known in Truth.
I see now that He is real, that He is there. That He has always been there for me and He always is. He’s always there. Always there, always here. He didn’t need to know where I was because He already knew where I was, and He doesn’t need to know where I am now because He knows where I am now. He made Himself known to me and He still make Himself known to me. He doesn’t prove that He is real because He is real. He is real.
My fears, my worries are being broken and healed by Him. Like He has said in His Word to us and continually says to us, our tears of mourning are to be turned into dancing and our sorrow into joy. My tears will not be tears of sorrow and fear but instead, tears of joy. Tears of Joy. Dancing. Sorrow into joy. Mourning into dancing.
It isn’t easy following God, following Jesus and following the Holy Spirit, but I don’t think it never was meant to be easy. It isn’t meant to be easy, but it’s more simple than we think and less complicated than we think. And I know that I, Nichia Karstedt, the girl who’s starting to become whole in God and healed by God and is growing and going deeper into God, will never regret the decision to say yes. To say yes to the Invitation that God gives to me everyday. Every hour. Every minute. And every second.
There is no backing out. I will never regret finally surrendering to the One who has always loved me and who has always `cared for me and taken care of. I will never regret my decision to live my life for Him. I will never regret finally saying, “Yes” to Him, and I will never regret saying back to Him “I love You too, Daddy. I love you too, Jesus. I love you too, Holy Spirit.”