Tag Archives: healing

What Once Was

 

Ashes to the ground then to the sky
While this fire it burns,
And the wild cry of Camelot rises
From the ruins of what once was
England’s glory and pride
Because peace and wisdom were sought after
And fought for,
A King wanting that for his people.

But Lady Peace and Lady Wisdom,
War is in this country of yours.
Blood is the color of your skies, Camelot,
As tempers are lost and no one seems
To seek for you, Lady Wisdom;
And your quiet strength, Lady Peace,
Are not in many of the hearts of men,
But instead mayhem – the Devil’s tool and foothold.

Lives are lost and sacrificed, and the living
Forget how to breathe
As they focus that the ones they love
Are dead and not coming back,
And not on what their loved ones gave to them
When they were with them.
So sacrifices made for them and the love
That was given are forgotten as if it were nothing.

O Camelot, O Camelot,
Why did you do that?
Why did you not trust your King?
Why did you take the lies for truth, and truth for lies?
Why did you lose what you should have
Held onto, and yourself?
Trust the hope that was waiting for you in this darkness?
That God would take you by the hand to lead you?

Will you do it again, though, like you once did before?
Will you believe with me, borrow what is mine and what I have
To help you in these journeys that we both have?
Will you slip your hand into His hand, Someone oh so beyond all this
That we know and everything else?
Borrow my smile, my laughter, my hope, my faith, and my peace?
Just take it, my love; I want to give you these flowers
That you’ve seen and grown to know that I love.

You’ve pushed Lady Wisdom aside during this time,
Getting caught by all that is happening –
Will you listen to her now, though, to her sharing her heart?
That this suffering we see is not for nothing,
Unless we make into nothing, though?
Because if you make the suffering and sacrifices that have happened
Into nothing, just like that,
Then it will be nothing to you when all along
It was something real in this world we live in to hold onto.

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He is Known

As a child, I grew up in a Christian home. My mother told me stories from the Bible and told me about God and satan, but I wasn’t Christian when I was young. I was mad at Him, I thought he hadn’t been there for me and for my family. I thought he had abandoned me like I felt that my earthly father and biological father and birth mother. I thought he had abandoned us. I thought God wasn’t there.

And this is where the fear of abandonment came from because I felt that my earthly father and biological father and birth mother had abandoned me, had left me and I felt like I had done something wrong. Something incredibly wrong, when I hadn’t. And now – now that fear is being broken and healed by Dada.

But when I surrendered my life to Jesus in anger and confusion and tiredness in the year of 2012, I’ve seen now that God has always been there for me, there for my family. He was there when my mother was almost fired four times, but she still had her job because He knew – He knew that we needed the money for food, for tickets and for rent. He was there when she was sick so many times that I thought she was dying.

I see now that He was there for me when I wasn’t there for Him. He was there for me when I only came running back to him for comfort when I was scared or worried. He was there even though I screamed, I yelled at him, mad at him. He was there even when I blamed him, when I was impatient with him and tried to do everything on my own, thinking I had everything under control. He was there even when I thought I didn’t need His help or anyone’s help because I thought I didn’t need someone’s help, that I had to do it on my own as best as I could, that I didn’t help, much less help from Someone – Someone who I couldn’t see. He was there even though I hurt Him so much. He was there to hold me and catch and collect my tears, he was there for me when I dared Him to prove himself to me that he’s real and that he’s there.

He didn’t prove himself to me. No, because He, He made Himself known to me. He never has to prove Himself. Not to me or you or anyone. He makes Himself known when now thinking about it, He doesn’t have too because He – He. Is. Already. Known. He is known in Truth.

I see now that He is real, that He is there. That He has always been there for me and He always is. He’s always there. Always there, always here. He didn’t need to know where I was because He already knew where I was, and He doesn’t need to know where I am now because He knows where I am now. He made Himself known to me and He still make Himself known to me. He doesn’t prove that He is real because He is real. He is real. 

My fears, my worries are being broken and healed by Him. Like He has said in His Word to us and continually says to us, our tears of mourning are to be turned into dancing and our sorrow into joy. My tears will not be tears of sorrow and fear but instead, tears of joy. Tears of Joy. Dancing. Sorrow into joy. Mourning into dancing. 

It isn’t easy following God, following Jesus and following the Holy Spirit, but I don’t think it never was meant to be easy. It isn’t meant to be easy, but it’s more simple than we think and less complicated than we think. And I know that I, Nichia Karstedt, the girl who’s starting to become whole in God and healed by God and is growing and going deeper into God, will never regret the decision to say yes. To say yes to the Invitation that God gives to me everyday. Every hour. Every minute. And every second. 

There is no backing out. I will never regret finally surrendering to the One who has always loved me and who has always `cared for me and taken care of. I will never regret my decision to live my life for Him. I will never regret finally saying, “Yes” to Him, and I will never regret saying back to Him “I love You too, Daddy. I love you too, Jesus. I love you too, Holy Spirit.”

“God’s in control, even in the storm.” – Dawn Camp

Being brutally honest, last week was terrible and stressful. Last week, I suddenly had urges to cut myself again, when that hasn’t happened in such a long time. And all the while, I was thinking, “I can’t do anything stupid. I can’t do something stupid. I can’t.”

It’s been 8 months since I’ve cut myself, ever since I got back from summer camp.

Last week was stressful because I was holding back tears when I saw my mum cry and after I let all the tears out, I felt drained. I was stressed and tired and I was having a rough time with God. Actually, no.

Thinking of it now, I was giving God a rough time. I didn’t want to pray last week yet I prayed when I was tired and stressed, needing his help and apologizing for how I messed up. I tried to stay away from him, but yet I couldn’t. I wanted to be with him yet I didn’t want to be with him. I wanted a break from him yet he never left me, staying faithful to me even when I wasn’t. I tried to ignore Jesus, but I couldn’t because I needed him.

On Saturday night when my family and I soaked, he told me this: “I am devoted to you and only you alone, my peculiar treasure.” And he’s still whispering those words to me, right now. And I felt loved and I felt horrible at the same time. Now, I feel loved and I’m feeling a whole lot better than last week.

He is faithful to me when I am not, and he was faithful to me when I wasn’t.

Last week, I messed up. Making mistakes and disobeying. I wanted to hide from God because I was afraid that he would abandon me, that he would reject me when I became honest with him when he never has. I was afraid God would leave me and reject me like my earthly fathers did. I’m  still rather like that with other people: I’m still rather afraid that the people I love and have come to love will leave me and reject me once they know me. The darkest parts of me, the broken parts of me, all of me.

I underestimated the grace and the strength that He gave to me for whatever challenges that I faced and had to face. And I shouldn’t have done that, I shouldn’t ever do that.

Last week, I kept apologizing and asking for forgiveness when part of me didn’t want to pray, not knowing that when I did that was the end of it, God saw me as blameless, my sins were tossed into the deepest sea. Like someone said too, it was ridiculous for me to paddle out and fish around to pull my failures back up just so I  could hold them high to say, “Look how I messed up. I’m so sorry.”

And God showed me, that I was set free and that I didn’t need to beat myself up every time I made a mistake and that I didn’t need to be bonded my Enemy’s bondage because I was set free and I am still free because my Savior saved me.

My Savior saved when I was attacked. He still rescues me, saves me even when I’m too stubborn or blind or not cooperating.

So, yes. Last week was a terrible and stressful week, but in a way it was almost a good week because I learned that God is good and that God is control, even in the storm.

I hope y’all have a wonderful day!

Brokenness Going to Wholeness

I had a vision of my heart broken. That it was broken in so many pieces. Then I heard or saw God show me, that even though my heart was broken, my heart was being pieced back together now.

Even if felt that the pieces of my heart seemed too broken. Spread too far apart and too far away for someone to reach. Crushed too much into little pieces that seemed like no-one could ever find, like one could barely find dust. The pieces hurting too much. God still has and has found all of the broken pieces of my heart and he told me or showed me that my heart is not going to be broken.

It’s going to be healed.

My heart’s going to wholeness. Because that was what it was meant to be in the first place – my heart to be whole in God in his love. My heart is being pieced back and fixed together, right now.

Brokenness is going to Wholeness now. I, the broken is going to the whole – God.

One small crack does not mean that you are broken; it means that you were put to the test and you didn’t fall apart. ~Linda  Poindexter

A Letter to Suicide and Depression

Dear Suicide and Depression,

I’ll be honest and transparent with you, and I’ll tell you why I used to flirt with you and hang out with you, along with Depression.

I hung out with you both because it felt like you two were the only few ones, who noticed me and my desperation. But I see now, that wasn’t true; someone noticed me and tried to help me, but I chose to try to ignore him.

As we started to be “friends,” I went deeper and deeper into darkness and your eyes and depression’s eyes, glinted with joy and something else! I wish I had seen that something else, but all I saw was the joy and the fake, broken promises that I would be away from pain; when really, you both just dragged me deeper into pain.

I started believing the lies, that you both whispered in my ears and my heart. That I wasn’t important. That when I went away, that I would be noticed that I was gone, but people would forget me and only remember me as a faint memory.

That I hurt, too many of the people I cared for. That I was a burden to the world and to my family and friends. That I wasn’t perfect.

You both pretended to care for me, as I cried into both of your shoulders and it felt so real. I thought as I was crying, that you both cared for me.

But you both lied with a smoothness, that I was blind too. I didn’t see that as you both watched me cry, that you both scooped up my tears; not because you both knew the value of my teardrops, but because you didn’t.

You both truly didn’t know the worth of my tears. You both just enjoyed scooping them up. You both didn’t see, how valuable I was. You just both saw, how much fun it would be … to torture me.

Did guilt set in both of your hearts or what was left of your hearts, as you watched me wither in your care? When you both saw, that I thought I trusted you? But no, I guess not. If you had a heart, you wouldn’t be doing this; but the only heart you have is the heart to fear who sent you, to torture and bring me down.

Then you both started to trying to plant darker lies and thoughts. And these were the thoughts: that I deserved pain. That maybe, I was better off dead. That I didn’t mean much to anyone.

And somehow, I believed you. You both started both started getting rougher with me, and yet I stayed. How come I didn’t see that you were both were getting more and more desperate, because your master was too?

How come I didn’t see, that you both were using the wounds that I had gotten from the past and that you both were just making them deeper and hurting more? How come I didn’t see that you both, were just desperate to tear my heart apart?

Because all I saw, was the shattered promises that you both promised me, as I thought about killing myself. That I would stop hurting the people I love, and that it would be over. That I would cease to be nothing, and that it would a “blessed darkness.”

So, I had the knife in my hand as the thoughts swept through my mind, going here and there; pushing me to do it. I raised the knife closer, and as I raised it I stared into the reflection of who I thought was a stranger: me.

And more thoughts came: That … that would’t be good and fair for my brother to find his sister dead, with her throat slit.

But you both whispered louder and louder and I half-listened, but I was confused and afraid and tired; and unconsciously, the knife went closer to my throat.

But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t. Because someone stopped me. And that someone was Jesus and God and the Holy Spirit. I know that some of you believe that God doesn’t exist, or that he’s just a fairy-tale; but to me God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit/Ghost is as real as you and me.

And He stopped me. He stopped me from doing such a foolish thing, and I’m glad; I’m glad because he knew what he was doing and I didn’t.

And now, I just want to say that when God stopped me, I regretted. I’m sure you both know, what I regretted. But I can’t live life to the full and become who I am meant to be, regretting. I can’t spend my life regretting. I have to spend my life, living.

So, I wanted to tell both of you this: I no longer regret. I can no longer keep regretting my life, because my life is my own story and it is unique.

I know what I want to tell you both, and this is what I’m telling you now: Thank you both, for teaching me lessons that I won’t forget. Because as hard as it was and painful as it was too, the lessons I learned are valuable.

And this is a goodbye. This is the last time you’ll both see me. So, goodbye, my friends. Goodbye.

Sincerely,
Patience

Father-Daughter Dance

One of my favorite movies is “What A Girl Wants.” The movie is about a young, teenage girl who’s name is Daphne, who lives with her single mother. Her father, she has never met. But then she decides to fly to London where her father lives, to get to know her father.

And all her life, she has wanted a Father-Daughter, which she thought she never would. But in the end – in the end of the movie, she dances with her father.

In a way, I can connect with Daphne, a lot.

As a child, my parents divorced in 2005, before I turned 5. My father went away and lived in New York City, for awhile. And that was the last time I saw him; in the year of 2005, until 2012.

Years passed, and I ignored the pain inside me; I ignored the wound that was there, when my father left. Years later, I was to find out that it was called a daddy wound.

I said I ignored the pain and the confusion and sadness, and that is true. I almost, always ignored it; but I couldn’t ignore it the whole time. But I couldn’t face it; I couldn’t face the bad mix of combination of feelings, that were in me.

So, I lied. I lied to myself. It’s interesting to think of that thought, you lying to yourself. But it’s possible, as hard and as impossible and as silly as it sounds. You can lie to yourself.

I lied to myself that I was alright. That nothing was wrong. But how can you ignore something that’s true? Because there was something wrong and it wasn’t right, but I didn’t want to admit that to myself. I didn’t want the truth, so I comforted myself with lies.

That I was ugly. That I was noticed, but I would soon just fade; fade like a flower fades, when picked. That I was not really wanted. All those lies and much more. I’m sorry now, that I used to comfort my younger self with lies instead of truth.

But I suppose it was common. Common for a 4 year old, turning to 5 years old, to start comforting herself with lies; when her parents divorced and she didn’t know what to do.

I grew up too soon, because of my parent’s divorce. But also, from my past in the Philippines. My life wasn’t easy, but it was simple. It was my own story, that I had a share of writing in.

People say that their hearts are broken, when something bad and unexpected has happened to them. But I think, everyone has broken hearts. I had a broken heart, and my heart was caused further to break.

Because I was rejected and treated differently by my father. And that of course, caused me to have these emotions, that I experienced for many years: hurt, sadness, confusion and anger.

I never had the earthly father that I wanted and needed, and to be honest – to be honest, I thought I was fatherless. I thought I would never be able to do the Father-Daughter dance.

But then I realized something – that I have never been fatherless. That I have always had a father, I have never really had a earthly father, true. But I was never fatherless; I never was. But that took me 12 or 13 years, to start seeing that.

Because God, Dada is a father to the fatherless. So, when I became fatherless, I instantly became un-fatherless. Haha, I hope that makes sense.

Maybe I’ll never be able to have the Father-Daughter dance with my earthly father, if I somehow do get married. Maybe that’ll never that happen.

But at least I know, that the dance that Dada, Jesus and the Holy Spirit have asked me to dance with them, will be a continual dance; and a dance that I’ll never regret. At least I know, I will always be having my Father-Daughter dance with God. At least I know, I will always be dancing with my Father.