Tag Archives: Him

What Once Was

 

Ashes to the ground then to the sky
While this fire it burns,
And the wild cry of Camelot rises
From the ruins of what once was
England’s glory and pride
Because peace and wisdom were sought after
And fought for,
A King wanting that for his people.

But Lady Peace and Lady Wisdom,
War is in this country of yours.
Blood is the color of your skies, Camelot,
As tempers are lost and no one seems
To seek for you, Lady Wisdom;
And your quiet strength, Lady Peace,
Are not in many of the hearts of men,
But instead mayhem – the Devil’s tool and foothold.

Lives are lost and sacrificed, and the living
Forget how to breathe
As they focus that the ones they love
Are dead and not coming back,
And not on what their loved ones gave to them
When they were with them.
So sacrifices made for them and the love
That was given are forgotten as if it were nothing.

O Camelot, O Camelot,
Why did you do that?
Why did you not trust your King?
Why did you take the lies for truth, and truth for lies?
Why did you lose what you should have
Held onto, and yourself?
Trust the hope that was waiting for you in this darkness?
That God would take you by the hand to lead you?

Will you do it again, though, like you once did before?
Will you believe with me, borrow what is mine and what I have
To help you in these journeys that we both have?
Will you slip your hand into His hand, Someone oh so beyond all this
That we know and everything else?
Borrow my smile, my laughter, my hope, my faith, and my peace?
Just take it, my love; I want to give you these flowers
That you’ve seen and grown to know that I love.

You’ve pushed Lady Wisdom aside during this time,
Getting caught by all that is happening –
Will you listen to her now, though, to her sharing her heart?
That this suffering we see is not for nothing,
Unless we make into nothing, though?
Because if you make the suffering and sacrifices that have happened
Into nothing, just like that,
Then it will be nothing to you when all along
It was something real in this world we live in to hold onto.

Care

{June 24, 2015}

It’s hard to know how to take of yourself, when one hardly sees anyone or one, truly taking of themselves.

It’s one thing to say that you’ll take care of yourself, but another to do so. It’s easier to say that you’ll take care of yourself than to actually, truly taking care of yourself.

That I can connect to.

More than once, I promised other people that I would take of myself, but then I would do the opposite: hate myself, push myself more than needed, be hard on myself, not take care of myself physically like I was suppose to.

All that and more.

“You cannot possibly imagine exactly how much I hate myself.”  

When I found this on the Website, I could connect to this a lot.

I hated myself so much back then because I thought everything was my fault and I made so many mistakes; and I didn’t like that I made mistakes. I though I was a burden, a problem.

A monster. A puzzle. A question. A mistake, and so many more lies.

I hated myself. I didn’t like myself, let alone love myself.

How could I love or like the girl I was, when I was a monster? When I was a depressed, teen-aged girl who had problems and baggage?

A problem, a puzzle, a question, a mistake, a burden?

How could I love myself and forgive myself?

I thought I would never be able to love myself and forgive myself. I thought it was not possible, and that it would never happen and that it could never happen.

But then something changed. Something started changing, and has always been changing ever since I said yes to God.

I started asking myself, “How could I keep on loving God and hate myself?”  Or God started asking me this question: “How can you love Me and hate yourself?”

To love God and hate yourself isn’t possible; it’s not because He’s Love.

Somewhere along the way, I changed and yet at the same time did not change.

I changed to myself, changed to who I was always meant to be. I changed into becoming myself, all because of God.

And because of God, I started loving myself for His sake; because He considered and considers my heart a treasure of the Kingdom, I do too. I start to consider my heart as a treasure of His Kingdom because He does.

I start loving myself because He loves me. I start taking care of myself because I know He deeply loves me.

I have started loving myself for His sake.

I See You; June 17, 2015

A stranger to these parts,
I am;
Lord, give me directions,
Your commands
for I am utterly lost
without You.
. . .
A child with no discipline,
now here I am –
in Your presence,
a child of Yours
receiving
Your much needed discipline.
. . .
A daughter homesick
for a world
that she has never seen;
homesick for You;
but I know when I wake
one day,
I will see you, face to face,
and be satisfied.
. . .
A longing inside her
to fully
see what she has only but
glimpsed;
a longing to taste what
she has only
but tasted a little.
. . .
This yearning for home
that will be
fulfilled when You
call me
home, and I sit on Your lap;
I wait patiently for You,
Papa;
I’ll see You, and only You.
. . .
I see You,
and only You.

~~~

This was inspired by the God, by the Bible, and how I felt and feel deeply. Inspired by the book of Psalms – mostly on Psalm 119:19.
I hope and pray that you all have a wonderful day today, and happy belated Father’s Day to those who are fathers!

A Sort Of Explanation of My Adventure with Jesus? Haha.

I looked into His eyes, and I saw Beauty.

I saw my mother; I saw the one I love; I saw my cousin; I saw the moments, the memories I held to; I saw my brother; I saw my birth-mother; I saw peace; I saw joy; I saw patience; I saw love; I saw everything that was beautiful; I saw Him.

And He is beautiful. So, so beautiful.

I looked into His eyes, His Lion’s eyes – and His eyes were blue/green with grey in them.

Aurora lights were all around Him, light and a little shade darker pinks and purples with other different colors floated around Him; and it seemed like they were worshiping Him, adoring Him.

Worshiping Him like He was Everything, and when I looked into His eyes – I started to know more deeply how He is Everything.

Haha. He is Everything. Haha. He is.

Jesus is.

God is.

The Holy Spirit is.

HE is.

When I looked into His eyes, I started to know more deeply how He is Everything, and I’m still on that process. I’m still knowing more deeply how He is Everything. 

I remember His face. His Lion’s face, His mane shaved, but that did not matter to Him – He looked at me, He stared into my eyes, seeing me as I saw Him.

As I saw Him, He saw me.

I saw Him.

He saw me.

He always does.

. . .

How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me! 

Psalm 139:17-18

Shark Teeth (or) I’ll Never Lose Him

Written on June 1, 2015, finished on June 2, 2015
During my vacation, I found two shark teeth; and because it was rare to find shark teeth, I put them inside my Bible inside my Bible case.
But as soon as I found them, I took them out of my Bible, so I could read my Bible and put them on top of a book. I moved the book that I had put the two shark teeth on, making them fall onto the ground. I found one but I couldn’t find the other, so I went on my knees, looking for the other shark tooth; but as soon as I started doing that, I felt someone talking to me that felt like a thought.
I felt God telling me, “You may lose the shark tooth, but you will never lose Me.”
And that hit home, and I thought about what He told me and I talked about it with Him; and it’s true. Haha. So, so true.
I may lose a shark tooth, but I’ll never lose Him.
And the next day after that or so, I lost my other shark tooth while I was reading my Bible. I didn’t take it out of my Bible again, but instead left in there – losing it between the cracks of the small bridge I was sitting on, as I flipped the page the shark tooth was in as I was reading my Bible.
But as soon as I lost it, I found something that struck home again: a verse in the Bible.
“My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak , but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.” Psalms 73:26 (NLT)
He is mine forever, just as I am His forever.
I may lose shark teeth, I may lose things and people, but I will never lose Him because He is mine forever.
I will never lose Him.
God is simply amazing and wonderful, and His humor is absolutely, funny. Just funny, haha.

Death

{Death; written on May 11, 2015}

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always had a feeling that I would die soon. I don’t know when I started having that feeling, but I was young when I started feeling that; and it’s strange that I started feeling that when I was young because when I was young, I was afraid of death too.

Maybe I started thinking of death a lot because my mother was sick so much in the Philippines, that I was afraid she was going to die. I’m not sure, but for a long time, ever since I was young, I’ve always thought of death.
And maybe it’s good thing that I’ve always had and always have this feeling that I would die soon because it made me think of the question, “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to be doing what I’m doing now?”
Would I? Would I want to worry the whole time? Would I want to be afraid of one man, when I shouldn’t and why should I since God is with me? Would I want to be thinking thoughts of cutting down my arms? Would I want to lose my temper when I don’t have too?
Would I?
It scared me that I wouldn’t be here, but I think what scared me even more, was when I realized that people weren’t going to be here forever. Yet now, I know and understand somehow it’s part of life and there’s a reason. God does things bigger than we know, bigger than I know.
So, I won’t be here forever, but that knowledge of knowing that I won’t be here forever, makes me thankful for the life I’ve had and I have; makes me thankful for the family and friends God has given and will give to me. Makes me not take each breath for granted, makes me think do I want to do this, and makes me hope and try to do the best I can.
Because as someone said, I have only one shot at this. I have only one life, and I can’t keep doing this – I can’t keep having these thoughts that aren’t mine like vaguely thinking of suicide or having these urges to cut straight down my arm; thoughts that want me to be depressed, stressed, not happy.
Depressed, stressed, mad, hurting, disappointed, afraid, sad. It’s okay to feel all of these as long as it’s safe and there’s hope, just as someone said in my church that it’s okay to grieve, just as long as it’s safe and you have hope.
There’s much more, much more than depression, sadness, anger, hurt, disappointment, fear, and all that. There’s light.
And sometimes, as much as I want to just kill myself, I’m not here to kill myself. I’m here for more.
I only have one life.
And that’s my life.