Tag Archives: light

Care

{June 24, 2015}

It’s hard to know how to take of yourself, when one hardly sees anyone or one, truly taking of themselves.

It’s one thing to say that you’ll take care of yourself, but another to do so. It’s easier to say that you’ll take care of yourself than to actually, truly taking care of yourself.

That I can connect to.

More than once, I promised other people that I would take of myself, but then I would do the opposite: hate myself, push myself more than needed, be hard on myself, not take care of myself physically like I was suppose to.

All that and more.

“You cannot possibly imagine exactly how much I hate myself.”  

When I found this on the Website, I could connect to this a lot.

I hated myself so much back then because I thought everything was my fault and I made so many mistakes; and I didn’t like that I made mistakes. I though I was a burden, a problem.

A monster. A puzzle. A question. A mistake, and so many more lies.

I hated myself. I didn’t like myself, let alone love myself.

How could I love or like the girl I was, when I was a monster? When I was a depressed, teen-aged girl who had problems and baggage?

A problem, a puzzle, a question, a mistake, a burden?

How could I love myself and forgive myself?

I thought I would never be able to love myself and forgive myself. I thought it was not possible, and that it would never happen and that it could never happen.

But then something changed. Something started changing, and has always been changing ever since I said yes to God.

I started asking myself, “How could I keep on loving God and hate myself?”  Or God started asking me this question: “How can you love Me and hate yourself?”

To love God and hate yourself isn’t possible; it’s not because He’s Love.

Somewhere along the way, I changed and yet at the same time did not change.

I changed to myself, changed to who I was always meant to be. I changed into becoming myself, all because of God.

And because of God, I started loving myself for His sake; because He considered and considers my heart a treasure of the Kingdom, I do too. I start to consider my heart as a treasure of His Kingdom because He does.

I start loving myself because He loves me. I start taking care of myself because I know He deeply loves me.

I have started loving myself for His sake.

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Wishful Catching (or) Firefly Catching

Bodies filled with light,

these little fireflies

caught in a jar

for the first time

as I run barefoot;

. . .

my feet digging

in the garden soil

as I catch wishes

that light in the faded

evening with the

. . .

darkening skies

as I run and catch

fireflies that grant wishes,

these wishful stars

that cling to the earth.

The Joy of the Lord Is my Strength

“Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth. Worship the Lord with gladness; come before him with joyful songs. Know that the Lord is God. It is he who made us, and and we are his; we are his people, the sheep of his pasture. Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.” Psalm 100:1-5

Nehemiah said, “Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” Nehemiah 8:10

~ ~ ~

I feel like jumping up and down for there’s this joy inside me. And the joy that I’m not sure how to explain is not the only thing in me, there’s this awe and holy fear and many other things that the only way I can explain and that makes sense to me is that what is in me is clenching my heart. Would it make sense, if I said and believed that God is clenching me in His loving grip?

I feel love and holy fear and awe and joy and peace  and a tinge of sadness moving in me, and I don’t want God to ever let go of his hold on me; and I don’t think he ever will. For I am his child. I am his adopted child that he loves and cares for despite the many mistakes I’ve made and the holes and ruts that I’ve fallen in and fall in.

Some days, I’ll think of myself and tell God, “Just let me go. I can’t do anything. Look at me. I’ve fallen in holes and ruts and sometimes still do and I make mistakes.” Though, I tell that to God, how many times I don’t know, he doesn’t listen to me and he still loves me and forgives me and does so much more. And though, I sometimes say and think that, I think deep down I don’t want him to do that. No, not think. Know.

I know that I don’t ever want him to let go of his grip on me for nothing can ever separate me from and his love. And today, I feel like laughing out-loud. I feel like running outside barefooted, racing winter. I feel like doing cart-wheels or tumblings as I used to call them in the Philippines and seeing if I can do twenty tumblings.

I feel His peace and holiness and love and joy and a holy fear and awe for him and a thankfulness to him; and just so much more. The joy of the Lord is my strength.

I hope and pray that all of you have a wonderful day and so on in God’s name! 🙂

A Little About Me

Well, a little bit about me. I am a complicated/complex, stubborn, crazy in a good way, teenage Christian girl. And I will be writing a little about my past, which I hope will help others.

I have almost, committed suicide, I will be honest. But God stopped me from cutting my own throat. I know that might sound weird or silly or even impossible, but He did.

He stopped me from killing myself, and I’m glad. He knew what he was doing, and I didn’t.

So, yes. I may be a suicidal girl, who has thought about suicide and almost committed suicide. I also, may be a girl who has cut herself before. But I am also me, myself and I. I am also, a daughter of God. A child of light, as so are you too.

If people judge you, because of your past? They shouldn’t. You aren’t alone.

Committing suicide or cutting yourself or thinking about those, never helps. It never does. It may sometimes seem like those are the best ideas when they’re tempting, but it’s not.

Keep on hoping. I know it may seem that the pain and emptiness is big, but keep holding on because pain never lasts. Pain never does last and will never, unless you let it. If you let the pain stay, then it will stay.

Just keep on hoping. (H.O.P.E – Hold.On.Pain.Ends.) Because in the end, it’s worth it. In the end, everything’s okay.

Just know that you’re never alone. Because if hear that or someone tells you that, that is a lie. Because. You. Are. Never. Alone. Ever.